[At the Grand Canyon]
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
GC: Let’s just be friends
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
You Might Also Like
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I thought IT was a movie about tech nerds. To me, that’s a lot creepier than a dumb clown with a red balloon.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned