@sofarrsogud

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

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@007Pepe_Rex

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

@GPUNK74

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

@stephenjmolloy

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

@tsm560

I thought IT was a movie about tech nerds. To me, that’s a lot creepier than a dumb clown with a red balloon.

@KylePlantEmoji

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

@ehdannyboy

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@ArfMeasures

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

@T_Bonezzz

SURVIVAL TIP

If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned