My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
You Might Also Like
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.