My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.