I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My son washed his own bedding last night so I’m torn between being thrilled and mortified as to why he washed his own bedding.
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I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED
Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
*answers the burrito*
Hello? … I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, you called my burrito instead of my phone idk how but you did.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”