@sweetmomissa

My son washed his own bedding last night so I’m torn between being thrilled and mortified as to why he washed his own bedding.

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@KyleMcDowell86

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

@RitleySammich

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

@ashmensch

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

@daplusk

Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.

@unravelingfire

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

@yerpalmildsauce

*ring ring*
*answers the burrito*
Hello? … I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, you called my burrito instead of my phone idk how but you did.

@Maxine12333

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

@fanofhell

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

@dreadnaught69

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

@SuperRandomish

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”