My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
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Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.