My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
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Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.