[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
How actors in movies eat their food
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”