@Jay1972Jay

My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now.

I need a drink.

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@Classy_Cassy89

45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:

Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…

@MichaelTrying

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

@sweetmissashley

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

@badAzz_mom

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

@robots_feel

wife: i found drugs in our sons bedroom, talk to him

[later]

me: [sighing] ok so ur mom’s a narc

@JohnLyonTweets

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

@KimmyMonte

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.