the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.