@dulcetry

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

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@JiminyKicksIt

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

@dreamsinchocola

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

@Alex_LaVallee

HUGE shout out to Will Smith!

With out him we never would have survived the alien attack in ’96.

Happy Independence Day!

@realHamOnWry

Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.

@prufrockluvsong

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

@Megatronic13

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

@ericsshadow

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

@NewDadNotes

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

@garrettbarry70

Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”