My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I wanna be friends with this person
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.