My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.


When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.


HUGE shout out to Will Smith!

With out him we never would have survived the alien attack in ’96.

Happy Independence Day!


Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.


Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-storm drains
-the street
-little girls
-the prom


Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this


My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.


[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.


Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.


Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.


Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”