My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.