My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
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if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.