I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
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Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig