@inmybox07

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

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@thepunningman

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

@Home_Halfway

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

@LackOfShame

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

@linanneblack

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

@Marcmywords2

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

@alyssalimp

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

@ActualHuman01

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

@ediblemousefeet

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig