ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
My son: you’re the best mom I’ve ever had
My daughter: because she’s the only mom you’ve ever had
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.