@sweetmomissa

My son: you’re the best mom I’ve ever had

Me: 🙂

My daughter: because she’s the only mom you’ve ever had

Me: 🙁

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@NicestHippo

ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well

@TheBossyBlonde

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

@junejuly12

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

@TheAndrewNadeau

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

@chiekshere

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

@Spaced_Cowboy00

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

@catlikethiefx0

The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.

@girlontapas

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

@GrillinChillin9

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.