“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.