[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
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ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
#Caturday
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure