“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
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I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Not today.. 😂
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
asked my bf how work was today
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.