In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
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[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I saw Kony kissing Santa Claus
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My tombstone will just say “Deactivated.” I want people to be afraid that I could come back.
My girlfriend says she’s my best friend but she got so mad when I called her a homo and threw a snowball at her face. Women are so confusing
God: kill your son
God: holy shit I’m jk
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”