@amydillon

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

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@Carrie_Rachel

In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.

@TweetsByKaylee

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

@Steadi_Lady

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

@DevilryFun

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

@pseudofauxme

My tombstone will just say “Deactivated.” I want people to be afraid that I could come back.

@DirtMcTurd

My girlfriend says she’s my best friend but she got so mad when I called her a homo and threw a snowball at her face. Women are so confusing

@PaperWash

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

@mishacollins

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”