My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
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Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
*watches the world burn*
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.