My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

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I’ll never set a book in the ancient Roman Empire again. Ben Hur, done that.


Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”


My imagination ran away with me, but we’re both out of shape and didn’t get very far.


Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class


Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.


I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.


HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home


[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care


Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps