My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
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MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday