@Darlainky

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

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@TheTweetOfGod

I’ll never set a book in the ancient Roman Empire again. Ben Hur, done that.

@wickedimproper

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

@certifiable_end

My imagination ran away with me, but we’re both out of shape and didn’t get very far.

@caithuls

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

@VancityReynolds

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

@HomeWithPeanut

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

@nbadag

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

@audipenny

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

@ArfMeasures

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps