My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

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[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”


“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”


My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.


Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.


One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.


I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.


Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo


Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.


Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.


I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.