My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
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You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.