My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Growing out my freckles.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”