My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
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This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I only eat vegetarians.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon