@DJLIWIKZ

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

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@SortaBad

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

@sad_tree

Snake: eat that apple
Adam:nah
S:u scared
A:no
S:lol u scared
A:
*eats apple*
S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop

@Tmoney68

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

@funflaps

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

@TweetPotato314

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

@aguywithnolife

brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it’s just nice to be held.

@GrowlyGrego

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

@StrugglesBGbb

My mom told me today that she is surprised I don’t have a cat.

I told her I was surprised she has a husband.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.