My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

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John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough


Snake: eat that apple
S:u scared
S:lol u scared
*eats apple*
S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop


I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*


which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose


crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder


brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it’s just nice to be held.


Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”


Perplexed in Poughkeepsie


My mom told me today that she is surprised I don’t have a cat.

I told her I was surprised she has a husband.


‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.