My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
taking June’s advice to heart
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I want to meet the individual who made this
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
😂😂
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.