@pharmasean

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

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@KentWGraham

Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

@OrignalceQueen

*Pops up from the backseat as you’re driving*

*Duct tapes your neck to the head rest*

Now, why are you telling people I’m crazy?!!

@MomOnFire

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

@Nikkeya08

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

@LuckoftheDraw86

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

@hanizzle

Him: I’m going to call you at 12

Me at 12:01 : All men do is lie

@RobElliottComic

When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink

@hstweetheart

Me: I want a pet dragon!

Life: HERE’S A CAT WITH IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.

@Wuttercuerk

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?