My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
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History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.