My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
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Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.