My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

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Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition


“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.


Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.


3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*


“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming


Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.


“Annie are you ok?”


“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”