Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
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“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
“Annie are you ok?”
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL