My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

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Just saw the book “Marriage for Dummies.”

Shouldn’t there be an “is” in there somewhere?


Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.


I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.


Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there


I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”


[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now


I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it


Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….


I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.