My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
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[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds