Joe Biden is such a dad. 😂
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.
mom: do the dishes
me: i cant im ugly
HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?
ME: hey!! You’re not blind!!
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.