My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My kid: I鈥檓 cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can鈥檛 afford the rent.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 馃槀馃槱馃敟
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Jesus Christ lmao
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
sometimes my cat will figure out i鈥檓 gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i鈥檓 trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too