@FatherWithTwins

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

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@AndyJokedAgain

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

@planntika_

i was today years old when i found out that joe biden and jane lynch are two different people

@KylePlantEmoji

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

@sixfootcandy

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

@Shame_Is

doctor: u are overweight
me: hah yeah
doc: ok drop your pants
me: ur giving mixed messages doc!
doc:
me:
doc:
me: so do u like the Indians

@portmanteauface

I read the other day that if you leave alcohol-based hand sanitizer in your car it can ignite in the hot sun and blow your car up and my takeaway was “don’t leave your phone in the car”

@amydillon

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

@torrami

Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.