My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
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One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead