My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.

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[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.


sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball


*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…


I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…


age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”


Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.


It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.


Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.