Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
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“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Boom, boom, ching!
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over