Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
You Might Also Like
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one