@awkwardenabled

My son’s teacher spelled play doh like play doe

I. Am. Concerned

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@KamaroPayne

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

@steeve_again

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

@doguacate

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

@Insomnia_Land

Me: *throws myself at my husband* Give me all the kisses!

Him: Oh God! Are.. Are you dying??

@KKAlThani

Drink coffee. It saves lives. One cup will decrease your chances of murdering someone in the morning.

@impaulmccoy

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

@Shen_the_Bird

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

@tracietom

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

@PerfectPending

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.