@awkwardenabled

My son’s teacher spelled play doh like play doe

I. Am. Concerned

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@bobvulfov

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

@JoshKnightComic

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

@adamgreattweet

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

@AmishPornStar1

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

@thefosterer

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

@ODeadInside

Is there a way to fall gracefully? No.

But am I able to rise from this graceless decline and be the best possible version of myself? Also no.

@iwearaonesie

me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*

@BareChesty

You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says “After 300 yards, stop and let me out”

@Andr6wMale

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

@aotakeo

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino