My son’s teacher spelled play doh like play doe

I. Am. Concerned

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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them


Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.


If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time


If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.


Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…


Is there a way to fall gracefully? No.

But am I able to rise from this graceless decline and be the best possible version of myself? Also no.


me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*


You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says “After 300 yards, stop and let me out”


Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.


wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino