I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Best table by far
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.