My son’s teacher spelled play doh like play doe

I. Am. Concerned

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My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.


*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you


Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”


Me: *throws myself at my husband* Give me all the kisses!

Him: Oh God! Are.. Are you dying??


Drink coffee. It saves lives. One cup will decrease your chances of murdering someone in the morning.


The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’


me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long


My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.


Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.