@shannonrwatts

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

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@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.

@4boding

My weekly retreat is simple: driving alone down country roads for a couple of hours with tunes cranked up and singing loudly to livestock.

@heyitsJudeD

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

@david8hughes

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

@samdunsiger

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

@ShortSleeveSuit

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

@BoomBoomBetty

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again

ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have

@tweetsbyrocket

therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

@JoParkerBear

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.