If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
This might be me.
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Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.