My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

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ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-



A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.


You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.


[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out


I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you


Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!


Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.


ME AFTER 2 GLASSES OF WINE: This beautiful life is meant to be enjoyed! Let us feast and make merry!

ME AFTER 4 GLASSES OF WINE: I have 938 worst enemies and I will now name them all.


I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.


and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work