@HellisWorthit

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

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@Reverend_Scott

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

@Darlainky

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

@LizHackett

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

@AnkCoupleTO

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

@dumbbeezie

I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you

@sugarwits

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

@imadoofustoo

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

@thenatewolf

ME AFTER 2 GLASSES OF WINE: This beautiful life is meant to be enjoyed! Let us feast and make merry!

ME AFTER 4 GLASSES OF WINE: I have 938 worst enemies and I will now name them all.

@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

@AksharPathak

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work