My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
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But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels