My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
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[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Wait a minute…
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
i actually laughed 😩
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life