*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”