My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
You Might Also Like
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Bobby pin
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what