Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My spirit animal died of neglect.
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ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
*crowd goes wild*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
*standing behind home plate*
-Beware of my dog-like reflexes.
-Shouldn’t it be cat-like reflexes?
*catches baseball with my face*
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*