@maybenotstef

My spirit animal died of neglect.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

@jonnysun

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

@cupofdrink

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

@KimmyMonte

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

@MetteAngerhofer

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@JaymayAllDay

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

@peeznuts

*standing behind home plate*
-Beware of my dog-like reflexes.

-Shouldn’t it be cat-like reflexes?
*catches baseball with my face*

@Social_Mime

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”