40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Who.
Did.
This?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?