For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
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Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My husband and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”
– my mother
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: Dave got arrested for forgery
Her: For real?
Me: No for fake
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |