My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

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For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”


Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.


My husband and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.


“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”

– my mother


Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.


Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.


If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.