My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
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Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
pizza
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Get in loser we’re going crying
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.