@SadieSkyNinja

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

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@FattMernandez

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

@loribuckmajor

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

@ShellHasDragons

My husband and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

@Sir_Strange

“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”

– my mother

@RunOldMan

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

@theshantilly

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

@noog

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.