@AwkwardNSavage

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

@longwall26

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

@BuckyIsotope

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

@alliewach

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

@jazmasta

“Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner”
“Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?”
[long silence]
[hears faint sirens in the distance]

@ieatanddrink

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

@thombodytolove

lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire

@HallpassCanada

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

@Dustinkcouch

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

@JediGigi

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.