1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
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Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
“Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner”
“Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?”
[hears faint sirens in the distance]
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
lego batman: i hate the rain
lego batman: the puddles
me: what’s wrong with puddles
lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.