@EricBedner

My spirit animal is a tapeworm.

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@Skoogeth

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

@girlontapas

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

@kristendrum

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

@MicheleAKALips

You never realize what have till its gone……..

Toilet paper is a good example of this.

@pilau

wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe

@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

@carlyken

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

@StellaRtwot

I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”