Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My spirit animal is a tapeworm.
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Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
You never realize what have till its gone……..
Toilet paper is a good example of this.
wife: our beautiful baby girl
me: she’s got your eyes
wife: and your nose
Gimili: and my axe
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”
the nike cowboy boots marketing team in 1800s: just duel it