My spirit animal is a tapeworm.

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As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.


My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.


Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.


Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.


Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….


They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.


Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.


This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out