@EricBedner

My spirit animal is a tapeworm.

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@jwoodham

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

@DreamerDixie

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

@LauraSimis

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

@Steelers1972

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

@jessokfine

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

@thepunningman

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out