@MomesTheWord

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

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@TylerComeOn

I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.

So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.

@PaperWash

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

@InternetHippo

*sees an article from 2 months ago* This is useless to me. Who cares how the ancients lived

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@StephanieOKC

Someone needs to tell Madonna you can’t call it “Girls Gone Wild” when you’re a 100.

@rolldiggity

Sick of all these Santa apologists. A HOME INVASION IS A HOME INVASION.

@RodLacroix

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

@inmynewskin

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

@yonewt

Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff

@erichwithach

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.