Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
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When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.
Oh, a BEAR hug. *starts putting clothes back on*
The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
One thing I’ve learned about pizza jokes…
It’s all in the delivery.
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.