-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
My spirit animal is fried chicken
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“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.