@SusanandTrixie

My spirit animal is fried chicken

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@anymysha

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

@WAYNES_O

When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.

@hunz74

The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.

@omerwahaj

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

@ipalatsky

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

@heroofthehour

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

@Junk_Boat

One thing I’ve learned about pizza jokes…

It’s all in the delivery.

@FrogAvalanche

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

@CulturedRuffian

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.