@SusanandTrixie

My spirit animal is fried chicken

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@ellewasamistake

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

@GlumGeorgeLucas

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

@dudehugs

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

@radtoria

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

@nocturnallyme

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

@Birdhumms

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

@therepoguy

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.