My spirit animal is fried chicken
You Might Also Like
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Her: I like a man whoâs environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: Iâm 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like Iâm not the only dinosaur here
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh youâve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?đ
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, âUh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, âEveryoneâs leaving! Letâs follow them out!â
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she canât play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, âJust whale song or something will be fineâ. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
My vehicleâs anti-theft device is standard transmission.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.