ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Don’t be sad, laundry.
nobody’s doing me either
“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”
Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[Bottomless shrimp night at Red Lobster]
Me: *backing out of the restaurant with no pants on* There’s been a horrible mistake…
DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning
BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.