@CallousBalzac

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

@good_fats

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

@liv_thatsme

“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”

Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.

@SimplySnaccbar

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

@VisionBored1

[Bottomless shrimp night at Red Lobster]

Me: *backing out of the restaurant with no pants on* There’s been a horrible mistake…

@drknstormynite

DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning

BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead

@PostCultRev

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

@Brianhopecomedy

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.