My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
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HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Tony Hawk, age 6
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️