@AndreyasAsylum

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

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@AimeeHelene1

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@Marcmywords2

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

@ArfMeasures

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

@CakeThrottle

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

@markleggett

1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.

@HenpeckedHal

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

@Cherbearxo

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

@TastyTuneTweets

Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.

@iGreenMonk

“Hey. Can I call you back? I’m in a middle of something.”

“You said that a week ago.”

“Ya. I’m still working on it.”