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@AndreyasAsylum: My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
@imence2: "So you think you can dance." should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
@brynnester: Can’t believe the Titanic was sunk by a lettuce
@DadZZZasleep: Wife: I just vacuumed so don't make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don't make a mess dad
Me: I'm not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
@dlockw21: *Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
@kchees: All the single ladies put your hands up!
*handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff*
I'm your only option now.