Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*
HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
“Hey. Can I call you back? I’m in a middle of something.”
“You said that a week ago.”
“Ya. I’m still working on it.”