My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’