My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.