My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

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tried on a bra in Primark & it was nice so I went to buy it but there was no tag so the guy went to find a supervisor to get a code, comes back & goes “this isn’t ours, it’s a swap” so someone has literally left THEIR OWN BRA on a hanger in order to shoplift one AND I TRIED IT ON


Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?


Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…


[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes


“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils


[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse


My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses


“We heard reports that some guy saw a snowflake one time somewhere so we better cancel 5,000 flights.”

– Airlines


Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.