@bdbdleeroybrown

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

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@n_brayshaw

tried on a bra in Primark & it was nice so I went to buy it but there was no tag so the guy went to find a supervisor to get a code, comes back & goes “this isn’t ours, it’s a swap” so someone has literally left THEIR OWN BRA on a hanger in order to shoplift one AND I TRIED IT ON

@MarcusTheToken

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

@TheBoydP

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

@DrakeGatsby

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

@prufrockluvsong

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

@Chhapiness

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

@DaHess1

“We heard reports that some guy saw a snowflake one time somewhere so we better cancel 5,000 flights.”

– Airlines

@SentenceReduced

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.