I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Rather alarming headline…
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.