My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
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Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Perfect
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.