I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.