Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”
Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*