My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
had to share :’)
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?