@lisasopinions

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

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@MomOfTeen

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

@Mikecanrant

Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.

@BobTheSuit

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

@McNevich

Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING

@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@BubblesnBooze

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

@juanadog

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

@DickScurvy

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

@thestlouisan

[Health fair]

“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”

Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?

@IamEveryDayPpl

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”